By: Mariam Khan
Many of us are guilty of giving unsolicited advice, even though our intentions are pure and the advice we give is totally out of love and care. But giving unsolicited advice might not seem odd or harmful to the advice-giver, but it usually takes a toll on the other person.
Some of you might be thinking, what is unsolicited advice? It is the guidance or suggestion, which is not asked from the other person or needed at that moment. Like any friend tells you that she is pregnant, and you start telling her what she should eat and what she should avoid, which she didn’t ask you for. This may annoy your friend as she might feel you are being invasive, or she might feel that she is incapable of finding out what is right for her.
You might think that I was simply trying to support that person and that the advice was given out of care and concern. What’s the problem with that? Even though the advice given by the other person might be helpful, when it is given without their permission, it may appear as if you are imposing your thoughts and opinions on them. It may make the other person believe that the advice-giver is superior and knows everything, whilst the person receiving advice is insensible and incapable of making his own decisions, which is why he is being advised to do so. Nobody appreciates being told what to do when it isn’t necessary. And when someone does that, we instantly assume that they are trying to intrude and are crossing the line.
If you believe the individual needs advice but hasn’t asked for it, you can politely offer it and let them know you’re here to help. When we continuously give them the same advice such that the individual or their opinion changes, we cross the line from helping to harming. Because this is about controlling or dominating someone and trying to impose your thoughts and opinions on them, this is where you need to draw the line and stop yourself from delivering unwelcome advice.
The real question is why, if it bothers everyone, do people offer unsolicited advice? As a result, there could be a variety of reasons and motives. Some folks simply wish to help. You may have received unsolicited advice, primarily from friends or family members. They do it out of love and concern for you, and their first goal is to help you. When they learn that someone else is going through the same thing they are, some people become ecstatic and provide unsolicited advice. Some people, on the other hand, simply require validation and want to be valued. So, in order to feel important and respected by others, they offer unsolicited advice that may or may not be helpful to the other person.
We understand that it may be difficult for some of you to refrain from helping others. However, some situations do not necessitate that advice, and instead of giving support, it may end up causing harm to someone. As a result, you must be aware of where to draw the line and stop advising.
It’s important to realize that advice isn’t always required. When someone leans on your shoulder and expresses a concern, it doesn’t always indicate they need your help. People sometimes just need someone’s ears and shoulders to vent their emotions. If you’re itching to give advice, ask for permission. Don’t just roll up and dump your analysis in someone’s lap. The best thing is to clearly ask if the other person needs your advice. It clears the confusion for you whether you should give them the advice or not. You can simply ask, “are you open to suggestions?” or “I have been in a similar situation; can I suggest what you can do?” This way, you will not sound rude and invasive.
You must also assess whether you are questioning the individual’s own choices and then advising them to change. If you are, you must immediately come to a halt. Giving unsolicited advice on someone’s personal choice, even if your intentions are pure, is intrusive and controlling. The other person may become defensive of his choice, and the advice may backfire at you.
Empathy plays a vital role in this as well. You need to thoroughly understand the situation of the person first. Usually, the person is midway into narrating the problem, and we tend to give them unsolicited advice based on that inadequate explanation. It appears disrespectful and may annoy the other person. All you need to do is understand and empathize with the situation the person is going through.
There are three types of unsolicited advice. It is either helpful, less helpful, or unhelpful. It depends upon the person’s motive or intentions behind the advice.
The helpful motive behind the unsolicited advice is when the person is genuine with you and cares about you. It can be altruistic, that the person knows what is best for you and genuinely wants you to make the decision which is best for you. It can also be due to mutual experience that the person doesn’t want you to make a similar mistake that they did in a similar situation.
The less helpful motive behind the unsolicited advice may not harm you but may also not help you. Because the motive behind is more about advice-givers helping themselves than the person they are advising. They do it to feel that sense of entitlement, valued, and powerful that they are intelligent and have more knowledge than the other person.
Unhelpful motive is totally about the advice-givers themselves and it has nothing to do with the other person. This motive behind the unsolicited advice can cause stress because it leads to emotionally abusing the other person. It is mainly due to the narcissistic, dominating, or judgmental traits of the person, in which they harm the other person.
So, from the beginning, we’ve been discussing people who offer unsolicited advice. However, we understand that many of you are tired of receiving unwanted advice and are unsure how to get rid of it without being disrespectful or hurting others. There are some ways to handle it politely.
You can be clear from the beginning of the conversation that you don’t need any advice right now and you just need a shoulder to vent out. You can politely say that “I know you want the best out of me but right now I don’t need any advice.” This way you’ll set a clear boundary, and the person would limit to just hearing you and won’t be invasive.
If you feel bad about straightforward shutting it down and think that you might hurt the other person, you can indicate that you’ll consider it. This way you’ll cut the conversation short and refrain from defending your point. You can simply say, “thanks for the advice, I’ll consider it.” Or “ok! I’ll think about it.” But remember, this might become annoying if the person keeps a follow-up whether you have considered their advice or not.
Taking this approach can be effective when the individual providing you advice is doing so out of the kindness of their heart and has no hidden motives. Remember that you can admire someone’s loving character while also maintaining your own degree of comfort.
To refrain from being impacted by someone’s unsolicited advice is not to take it personally. You need to be well aware that not every motive behind the advice is to help you, as we mentioned above. Each person has their own perspective, and not every opinion is correct or must be followed. Also, we must understand that what works for others may not work for us.
The writer is a Global HR Consultant and can be reached at mariam@mkcoaching.org
